lack of luster

loss of motivation and will. All the color seems to have seeped out. Maybe the cold front scared it into hiding? Either way it leaves me restless and dissatisfied with music, food, choices, ideas, stress and actions.

Only this seemed to be appeasing:

Blank page is all the rage
Never meant to say anything
In bed I was half dead
Tired of dreaming of rest
Got dressed drove the state line
Looking for you at the five and dime
Stop sign told me stay at home
Told me you were not alone
Blank page was all the rage
Never meant to hurt anyone
In bed I was half dead
Tired of dreaming of rest
You haven't changed
You're still the same
May you rise as you fall
You were easy you are forgotten
You are the ways of my mistakes
I catch the rainfall
Through the leaking roof
That you had left behind
You remind me
Of that leak in my soul
The rain falls
My friends call
Leaking rain on the phone

Take a day plant some trees
May they shade you from me
May your children play beneath

Blank page was all the rage
Never meant to say anything
In bed I was half dead
Tired of dreaming of rest
Got dressed drove the state line
Looking for you at the five and dime
But there I was picking pieces up
You are a ghost
Of my indecision
No more little girl

Thats it.

cute

I thought this was a really cute line from the Elephant Man.

Treves: So I thought an actress could help. I mean, unlike most women, you wont give in, you are trained to hide your true feelings and assume others.

Mrs. Kendal: You mean unlike most women I am famous for it, that is really.

cute right?

Turkey

Holidays always make me feel nostalgic.

I am in an old school rilo kiley mood right now.

Or maybe just being home makes me feel nostalgic?

As gradual as it came, I have definitely changed, good or bad, not sure yet. But the change started slow, creeped up on me and took me by surprise, and transformed me in a matter of minutes. maybe it was 3 minutes, I think that would be all that it takes. Almost like someone who has been dangling a key in front of my face for months finally gave in and *chick chock* opened my cage. As easy as that, completely painless and almost comical. It left me stunned and feeble, unsure of what to do with myself next. I imagined runnning through fields naked, but opted to sit quietly and reflect.

I am happier than ever. Lighter than ever. I think I lost my whole mysterious hermit vibe, which I dig and I just truly love doing my own thing.

I think it is a journey to truly find peace with yourself, accept yourself and actually love yourself.

my best friend said last night "I love myself, I fuck myself, I feed myself"

As ridiculous as this was chanting it in the middle of Toro, it really is kind of insightful.

I love myself= the ultimate achievement
I fuck myself= I appreciate and pleasure myself, I stroke my id, ego and super ego
I feed myself= I reward myself because I deserve myself and ensure my content and survival

either way I think #3 is everyones goal today.

Happy Thanksgiving, and make sure you feed yourself, everyone deserves it.

rock bottom

So my mom just set me on a date..

a blind date..


from a guy who lives in my neighborhood...

VIA his dad...

Have I hit rock bottom yet? Or am I just surpassing the S Waves interior and the core is approaching?

Oh wait, his name is Sven.

I think we just arrived.


Funny though, I rarely speak to my mother about my love life or lack of..sort of..either way this woman should be considerably ignorant of this subject. I dont think I even talk to my roommate about my love life/lack of..sort of... its all a big secret!
Which I love, I love secrets, everyone does.

THE BEST PART IS she told me through email and titled it "I hope you arent mad..but..." great mom.

Back to the point, what is my moms doing?! Especially since it was set up through parents, me and "sven" are both going to be awkwardly urged and insisted upon due to "politeness" from our parents to go through with a meeting/date. I can already imagine the horrible awkwardness now.

me: ......
I have hit rock bottom
Edgar: its not too bad.
at the very least we know it can't get much worst.

Optimistic outlook from Edgar...most definitely rock bottom.

2 weeks

2 weeks until

..big ass projects due
..winter break
..moving back home for a month
..getting a job
..super stokednessss


BUT there are still two more weeks until all of this greatness...meaning 14 days full of studying, project creating and perfecting and researching.

These two weeks are going to blow-major, but will be worth it in the end.

I love finals. and breaks spent in libraries :[

temperature drops

It is getting colder in Austin. I usually despite the cold for every possible reason EXCEPT cute outerwear and having an excuse to snuggle nonstoppp ;]

Too bad the latter isnt very likely hopefully cute outwear is! I have become pretty obsessed with jackets and boots lately, and I just dont know whyy.

Here are some of the jackets I have been eyeing.



Chocolate



Hazelnut





Licorice





Blueberry



smoked


mmmm some of the sizing is all crazed like, but girls if you are looking for jackets? hmm? or browse the sites and see what you can see, lets make the world a more beautiful place with cute outerwear

delta

I wish I had a triangle symbol letter key. But I dont, or Mac doesn't, Mac should get on that.

Delta.
I wonder if it really does happen, do people just wake up changed? Is it a slow process that is followed by a haste realization? or perhaps the other way around?

Either way, there is an absence and can I blame it on change? Or am I just being pretentious?

I remember being so curious about life, wanting to absorb every useless, fascinating ounce. I would describe myself as "insatiable" just because I always wanted more. There was always more- and I wanted it. But now I still see me as "insatiable" but its different now. Now, it's because nothing is good enough. Nothing is enough. My apathy is just causing me to reject everything instead of a receive. I went from a bingeing black hole to a emaciated anorexic.

I just don't seem to want anything, not anymore. But I can't even decide what it is I DO want, so if I cross how will I know to grab it?